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Last year, Elon Musk made a radical proposal for his shiny new version of Twitter. The little white checkmark in a blue circle that came with “verification” would no longer signify that your identity had been verified. Instead, it would be a paid feature of Twitter Blue; one that would you $8 a month. For this, you get a boost in the algorithm, the power to change the color of the Twitter icon on your phone, and many other thrilling bonuses. Will wonders never cease.
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A small but unfortunately loud cadre of very nice boys signed up. If you’re a Twitter user, you’re now intimately familiar with this eightdollarati, as their tweets and comments show up at the tippy top of your feed. But here at Gizmodo, none of us took the bait.
Elon stripped the legacy verification marks from an estimated 407,000 accounts in April, leaving us Gizmodo, Earther, io9, and Spaceflight denizens check-mark-less (Gizmodo’s official account still has an organizational gold check. io9, as an affiliate of Gizmodo, has a blue one). There’s a freedom that comes with the unverified life, not to mention a decreased likelihood that people will see the things we tweet. The paid Twitter features are alluring, of course, but as the old saying goes, an $8 not given to Elon Musk is an $8 earned.
It’s put the world of single-digit purchases in a new light. The dog treats, the lattes, the paid podcast subscriptions—they all have a new, refreshing musk to them. If you’re like us — and if you look at the abysmal Twitter statistics, you probably are — you’re not paying for Twitter Blue either. Perhaps, then, you could use a little inspiration for the money burning a tweet-sized hole in your pocket.
Here’s a list of things we bought instead of giving Elon $8.
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5 Cans of Black Beans
Editor Blake Montgomery spent his $8 on tinned legumes, which he used to make refried beans. The best part is it the grocery store was running a special, and the five cans actually came in at just $7, leaving him with an extra dollar to play with. Now that is a deal.
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Ticketmaster Service Fees
Reporter Mack Deguerin on the tech policy beat spent $8 on a Ticketmaster service fee for an upcoming show from the band Thrice. “They are like an aging post-hardcore band,” Deguerin said. “Trying to see them before they bring the walkers out.”
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Dog Treats, Which Were Quickly Stolen
Tabletop game and nerd culture icon/reporter Linda Codega purchased an $8 bag of dog treats. Despite their best intentions, the treats were sneakily devoured all at once by the dog in question, pictured above. Her name is Zagreus, or Zigzag if you meet her in the streets. Bad dog, Zigzag. Just kidding, we love you and could never be mad at you.
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The World’s Greatest Bathmat
Yours truly shelled out a little over $8 on the greatest bathmat mankind has ever produced. I’ve developed an extremely unhealthy obsession with AliExpress. If you haven’t heard of it, AlixExpress is the greatest and weirdest website on Earth, where everything you can possibly imagine and an endless list of things you can’t are available at rock-bottom prices.
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The only catch to Aliexpress (actually there are probably many catches) is all the products are shipped from China and mostly on container ships, so you have to wait a long, long time for delivery. I haven’t received my bathmat yet, but you can bet I’ll be taking lots of showers when I do.
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Gay Snacks
It’s official, we’re at the start of Pride month, and that means the brands are at it again. Is there a better way to show your support for the LGBTQIA+ community that capitalism? Climate reporter Angely Mercado doesn’t think so. Angely, one of the more generous Gizmodians, regularly blesses the halls of our office with snacks, and today was no exception. The snacks are here. They’re queer. Get used to it.
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Smutty Romance Novel
This one is cheating because pop culture writer Mary Kate Carr works at the A/V Club, not Gizmodo, but we’re all part of the G/O Media Family, and just happy to be here, frankly. And how could we leave her off the list with this scintillating entry, Loretta Chase’s modern classic Vixen in Velvet, part three in the Dressmakers Series. $8 well spent.
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Drinky Bird
As we’ve seen, there are many things you can buy with $8. The truth, as senior consumer tech reporter Andrew Liszewski is well aware, is all the other options pale in comparison to the drinky bird. The bird drinks. It lifts its head up. The bird drinks again. Sometimes life really is that easy. The drinky bird isn’t just a constant companion, it’s also a marvel of modern engineering. Why don’t you have one already?
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A Beefy Melt Burrito, a Soft Taco, and a Spicy Potato Soft Taco
It’s no secret that Taco Bell is the definitive cultural institution of our era. What many people don’t realize, however, is just how well you can eat there for a measly eight bucks. It’s a lesson breaking science news reporter Kevin Hurler knows well. Through meticulous planning and delicate curation, Hurler managed to construct an $8 meal that’s as caloric as it is frugal—extremely. Best of all, the Fuego Sauce comes free. What a world.
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Passion Fruit Green Tea With Chia Seeds and Coconut Jelly
Here at Gizmodo, we hold one ideal above all others: That boba is the way, the truth, and the light. It’s perfect for a warm day, especially one spent reporting on just how much warmer things are getting. Climate reporter Angely Mercado is no stranger to the boba scene, and while there are endless flavor combinations, this was her most recent selection. Let it be an inspiration.
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The JFK AirTrain
If you’ve visited New York, you’re probably (and sadly) familiar with the John F. Kennedy Airport. The millionaires among us go straight from the plane to a cab or an Uber. For the plebes — and climate reporter Molly Taft — it’s the subway. Before you can get to the subway, though, you first have to brave the dreaded AirTrain, a train that takes you to another train but which costs more than the second train.
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For the privilege, you have a shell out a whopping eight American dollars, which I’d called highway robbery if anyone drove in New York City. In this case, it’s Molly’s one way ticket out of here. This marks Molly’s last week with Earther and Gizmodo after years of groundbreaking investigative reporting.
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A Recurring Podcast Donation
Consumer tech reporter Kyle Barr is a patron of the arts. The arts he favors happen to be very specific: a series of table-top role playing game podcasts (TTRPG for the cool kids). Barr’s favorites include Dungeons and Daddies, Sounds Like Crowes, and Delta Green: Dead Channels, featuring the work of writer Caleb Stokes. According to Kyle, “Stokes writes some of the darkest yet well-researched and well-written Call of Cthulhu content I’ve ever experienced.”
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Crystals
Lest you think Gizmodo is to skeptical or cynical for the world of woo-woo, breaking news editor LeAnn Wallace is here to shatter stereo types. $8 bought LeAnn two crystals from a store in beautiful, arid Palm Springs, California. Namaste.
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